20200818
I literally did not do anything today. I went to my required obligations of course. The will to move was low. The heat will do that to a person. Or having the rug pulled from under you will, paired with a serotonin fueled weekend with a lovely person.
Then post that to a day of unforgettable deja vu manual labor. I am feeling not the most lively person in the room. Yet a words a word. Hell even that isn’t good right now. I feel most ever in a rut.
I really don’t want to write today. Yet, I do why? Because it is easy to walk away, and waste the day. I would slip deeper into depression stemming from inaction. These words are defense against that. The more I talk the more I realize there are issues that are just becoming more ingrained instead of released. Such is life.
I wasn’t too impressed by what I saw at MEPS this passed experience. Yeah the hotel was nicer, but like the crop of new recruits I don’t think I could relate to them. I don’t think I can relate to most of the military. Yet, why do I still try? Cause I made this a focus, a solution to my current situation.
It’s made me look back on a lot of my life. Like going through the process twice I don’t feel any more wiser, if anything probably more regretful. But the thing is I probably set myself up for this life way back in those lost high school days. That dui was the best thing that ever happened to me. In an alternate universe, there is an Adam out there. Who got the job at lynch ambulance company, then went to paramedic school, then applied for newport beach fire department. got the job.Got the big lifted truck, with a bro ho of a wife. Has plenty of friends over on the weekends to get drunk with. The thirty one year old Adam, looks at those goals with a mild scoff.
Maybe its cause the world has made me just a bit cynical.
Then there is the twenty four year old Adam. He either passes navy flight school by the skin of his teeth, drives a white ford focus ST. No serious girlfriend, but doesn’t spend many nights sleeping alone. Or the other flip side to that Made it through CHP academy. Works day shift. Married to Amy. No kids, but a big truck, and a reasonable slice of life.
Then there is me at 31. What would 36 year old Adam say? What would he like to advise against. It breaks down by what the next choice of action will be. One hand there is government service and all the perks there in, for an indeterminate amount of time but could carry me to my 40’s. This would have time investments from one weekend a month, to training schools/deployments that could last a year. There is a sense of security in this situation. Like financially it makes the most sense.
Then there is the other 31 year old Adam who knows how to code. Has a couple more coaching credentials. Those are short term goals that build to what exactly? It would be my dream to own a small business. I long for that independence and self fulfilled lifestyle. Yet I am also incredible lazy, and will sit idle unless pushed to a challenge. It does not have a retirement option. Conversely, it does not have a pay limit cap. That being said you will be broke for a big portion of the time.
I just want it done. The right answer in front of me. and the way forward visible. Count your blessings while the bankroll is small, only complain when you can afford it. Gratitude is the attitude of excellence. Well not really, but helps me sleep at night. Good news is you can still sleep at night.
I am not mad at this day, and it’s inactivity. I am grateful that it happened and will use the lethargy to push myself on those lazy days. Lazy days end, just like tough days, do the same.
Who knows what the future holds for me. I like the things I have. They definitely could be better, but Lauren is dream. A smart woman, who is voracious in bed. Don’t lose her, stay up and stay motivated.
More like disciplined, but that will come in time. till then we trudge on.
