Just Some Words to Myself.

Once more into the fray.

In all honesty, I am the biggest fraud you’ve ever met.

I burn bridges fast as they are built.

I am lazy and have no work ethic.

I vomit mediocre material and think the world owes me a Ferrari.

I can’t have regular conversations. It is really hard for me to open up to people whom I spend a lot of time with.

I am selfish and destructive. Never let me borrow anything from you, it will come back in worse condition than you gave it.

Perhaps I am super critical of myself.

However, the reason for this personal scalding is I played the worst show of my life last night. I let a lot of people down, and a deep-seated guilt resonates well within my soul.

How do I fix it though?

Preparation.

I’ve played those songs a couple of hundred times. I felt confident going in. The confidence I felt was most likely fueled by inebriation, not technical skill. A new rule, from Ninja Mike one beer before a show. After the show then it’s chill time.

“DUH” arose from countless people around me.

What can I say, I am a hard learner.

I’ve got to go through life the hard way, feel the negative emotions before something sticks.

I’ve lost a lot of things I wanted because I don’t think. I am the biggest poser known to man. I’ve often been influenced by television. Starting way back in elementary school, Tony Hawk pro skater and Dave Mirra’s Pro BMX came out on Playstation 1. Guess what I wanted to be? A fucken extreme sports athlete.

I ate dirt hard. I didn’t become any better at either skating or riding bikes. Why? Because I fostered a negative view towards anyone, who was older than me. What this meant was I never received coaching or guidance. I landed a couple of tricks, but the learning process was so much slower than the people I rode with.

Therefore in my developmental years, I set a foundation of stubborn ignorance. It’s the right way because it’s my way.

Then when I graduated high school, I found myself wanting a physically demanding but rewarding job. Man those firefighters, look buff and they get all the ladies. I’m going to do that. I told myself, started watching an FX show called “rescue me” which was an FDNY firefighter. Watched more of the show than I am putting down the work and then I get a DUI at 18.

Poser me.

Today’s entry is talking to an audience of one, ME. I’ve had to verbalize these thoughts so I can see how my mindset has held me back. Also, that alcohol isn’t the answer to anything. I’ve spent so many mornings hungover as fuck, wasting my life away.

This morning was no different.

Good news is of all the atrocities committed last night; I didn’t cave to a previous addiction to cigarettes. It was my second day in a situation where normally I would beg borrow or steal smoke from anyone, that wasn’t the case.

Little victories I suppose.

The good news is as I eliminate that vice from my life, it will become easier to eliminate other crutches and excuses.

Well, that’s the idea at least.

I’ve still got another 25 days left until it becomes totally official.

I was so critical of my shitty performance I almost threw my guitar and left the stage. The sensation of biting a metal gun barrel replayed countlessly in my mind.

Which why I am so grateful for the other people in the band. I looked up at them, came right back in on the beat, granted late, but finished the set.

Practice more.

Be prepared.

Get better every day.

I am grateful for this process as well. Because it helps get the demons out. The thoughts and habits that I know are terrible for me come to the surface.

There was a time when I trudged to the keyboard and slowly tapped away, spewing nonsense, don’t worry I still do. However, this sounding board is something I’ve come to appreciate.

Sometimes all we have to do is stare out into the abyss, and the answer stares back at us.

Other times we grasp at straws of false beliefs, which get us nowhere.

All I can do, all we can do, is observe and analyze our mistakes and do not make them again.

I’ve certainly been lucky with my life. I should be dead more times than I can count. I mean for Pete’s sake I was born when I should’ve been brain dead.

So

Alcohol is big money for the companies that produce it, but poor choices for the people who consume it.

I’ve been a poser most of my life.

and I can get better everyday, just got to put forth the effort.

Also

Shitty Titties.

and as always,

Hang Tough,

Be Bold,

Live Creatively.