Life is a risk dawg.

I don’t want things to go back to normal.

We could do so much better than normal. Oil production domestically is non feasible at this time. The price war between Russia and Saudi Arabia has literally dropped the floor out of the future’s market. Meaning that if you are able to store the oil you can get theoretically paid to take oil. The price per barrel of oil (Its not those 55 gallon barrels, it is actually 40 imperial gallons.) -30.30.

As some one who made it through the pre Obama years of $150 per barrel of oil. It is crazy to think the opposite could happen. One of the things oil is indicative of is economic activity. A canary in the coal mine of what’s to come. Yes, us non essential workers are not putting money into the economy.

k FUCK IT.

I don’t know who I am writing for.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know when things are going to get better.

I don’t know how things are going to get better.

It is absurd to think that a return to pre corona is what we should do.

I am not original.

I am not creative.
I am not essential.

I am not essential.

Time to die, and decrease the surplus population. Maybe then things could get better. Us non essentials just go the way of the dinosaurs.

Maybe Futurama was right suicide booths on every street corner. Ironically I saw that suicide rates have risen 33% since 1999. Another instance of the Simpson’s writers predicting the future?

The train stops here. End of the line. The cars are all empty. Another benefit of this pandemic is how quick the biosphere is quick to respond to our absence, whether that be the monkey gangs of Thailand, or the endangered turtles laying eggs on the abandoned beaches of Micronesia.

Life goes on.

And it won’t care if you were here or not.

I am feeling rather useless. Rather kaput. I think about how I got into this position of self loathing. The fact of the matter is years of psychological problems plague both sides of my ancestry. Then the other fact is I listened to others a lot through out my life. Go to that maritime academy in the bay area. It’s a safe bet, with 90% of job placement upon graduation. It will be a breeze with all those applicable community college credits you have. In and out. Wrong. I stayed there for four god damn years hiding from my father’s cancer treatments. I hid there because I could compartmentalize a lot of the turmoil in my home life. I hid there because for once in my life I actually had friendships that were worth more than the loser druggy friends I made in my neighborhood.

I hid there because I wanted a sense of brotherhood. Seems like that aim was a big motivation for a lot of my life. I wanted a sense of belonging. Another intent that set my priorities was girls. Chicks dig firefighters, I told myself looking for a career field.

Well that fucking dui when I was 18 set that back.

Maybe I am just a god damn defeatist. I let everything hold me back even my own honesty. In two instances of government jobs.

I just don’t know what I want anymore.

I look to the future and not certain if I can salvage myself to be appealing to anyone or anything.

I am harboring a lot of limiting beliefs right now, and letting that self pity grow.

The self talk I have in my head, can only held at bay for so long by the endless scroll of facebooks, instagrams, and reddits. They need to come out so I can confront them. Otherwise those whispers grow to shouts. those shouts become guiding thoughts, and before you know it I am suffering the fate they predicted me to do.

Then I get away from that inner dialogue and look upon the world and see just how broke it is out there. Why do we have to isolate? Because we have to flatten the curve, why do we have to flatten the curve. Because we only value a person when they can pay for the medical expense required. I can’t do that. I can, through MediCal, but if I push myself into the next tax bracket I lose that.

I used to be pretty good and consistent at this writing stuff…Then I realized no one cares. probably cause I am bitching the entire time. No real substance here, just ramblings about my less than stellar living situation.

Other people have figured it out, but I am not other people.

Remember when I used to end each entry with this corny bullshit?

Live boldly
Act Creatively.
Be Grateful.